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Gorilla-ping News! Worst Fears Realized! Monkey Bug swings to Humans!

Good evening! This is Wolf Howler, swinging in live from Chimp News Network. Tonight’s tree top story: The Monkeypox virus, which has been monkeying around in primate populations for years, has finally swung over to humans. Dubbed “Homo-Primate 1,” or HP-1 for short, this capricious virus is causing bizarre and comical symptoms across the globe, leaving health officials scratching their heads - and their armpits.

Top baboon at Chimp Disease Control, Dr. Anthony Fauchimpanzee con-furmed that ground zero was a Chinese supermarket worker newly arrived from King Kong at the famous grocery chain “Banana Republic.” Wang Chimpao, 33, fell ill after after handling a particularly suspicious banana. Sequenced by Genetic Gibbon, the banana was found to have the letters M-O-N-K-E-Y-P-O-X laser-printed on its peel in Comic Ape MS font. Fauchimpanzee remarked at the press conference that this was the first recorded case of zoonotic transmission from monkeys to humans via digital graffiti.

As the virus swings into action, experts advise consulting with a doctor should unusual behaviours occur. Mild symptoms include –

Fruit hoarding: Those affected by HP-1 have developed a compulsion to stash fruit everywhere – pockets, bags, desk drawers - fearing an impending banana shortage.

Chimp Chat: Patients mimic others’ voices, with the enthusiasm of a cheeky parrot, leading to awkward situations.

Banana Peel Banter: A tendency to toss banana peels over the shoulder after eating, making any surface a potential slip-and-slide hazard.

Footsie Fixation: Using feet for everyday tasks, such as picking up objects, changing TV channels, or teeth brushing, much to the amusement and confusion of onlookers.

For those experiencing long Hp-1, here’s what to look for -

Primate Posture: Victims develop a slouched, knuckle-walking gait, causing slow, shuffling movements that signal extreme fatigue.

Vine Swinger Reflex: An uncontrollable desire to grab anything hanging - curtains, power cords, or subway strap handles. The sight of humans doing Tarzan like swings between strap handles is hilarious until someone loses a tooth from excessive swinging.

Loose Sexual Mores: Swingers’ clubs have become the latest viral sensation, and fears loom large over other transmissible diseases.

Tree Top Napper: Sudden, irresistible urges to climb anything tall and take a nap – be it a bookshelf, a ladder, or a co-worker - leading to a spate of accidents.

Coconut Crackdown: An inexplicable compulsion to smash open coconuts with bare hands or heads, often mistaking other round objects for coconuts, with regrettable outcomes.

Health officials urge everyone to keep an eye out for these symptoms and consult with a healthcare professional if you find yourself acting a little too …. Primate for comfort. Dr. Fauchimpanzee leaves us with more inimitable words of wisdom, “Stay vigilant, stay calm, and whatever you do – don’t feed the monkeys!

He also reassured the public that, as of now, no jab is required for HP-1. “let’s not go bananas here,” he quipped. The only shot you need in this monkey business is a strong cup of Green Tea – trust me - it’s way more effective at keeping you awake during all this primate pandem -ic – monium! And if things get hairy, just remember: a little Zen and some sushi might do the trick”!”

Stay tuned for all the latest monkey business with Wolf Howler at Chimp News Network!

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MusicMan's avatar

Seriously. Do people STILL believe in the fraud germ theory, the equally fraudulent virology, and the ultimate fraud: the act of vaccination?

READ AND LEARN THE HISTORY:

https://officialbrendanmurphy.substack.com/p/5-huge-historical-vaccine-frauds

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